Times like this bring our spiritual questions in even the least spiritual of us.
In the past few weeks, many people have shared their own perspective with me about whatever divine plan is at work here. While I do respect the opinions and (deeply held) beliefs of Ryan and his family, I have remained fairly silent about mine.
The pastor who has kindly opened his home to Ryan's parents was in the room last week and asked us all to pray. I have often told Ryan that I enjoy being present at his family's prayers, because I am comforted by the taking of a few moments to allow the world to stop and focus in on those things which we hold dear, to be together and to reflect on what we have. But then the pastor said something about "God's plan," and how this is all part of it. He said life was like a big race where we would run around in the presence of God and that, for some reason, God decided that this time Kendra and Ryan get to do hurdles instead.
Then everyone nodded and thanked God for His graciousness. I bit my toungue, but at the time my mind screamed out "WHY???"
God says we have to face pain and suffering. It is part of His plan. He makes us "run hurdles" because he loves us. I mean no disrespect to any of the kind people who have been so helpful and loving to us during this time, but I can't seem to find any comfort in that scenario. I can't find compassion within it. When we talk about a person who has this sort of disposition, we call them sadistic, but God 'works in mysterious ways" and is therefor deserving of our praise for the Glory of All Sufferings.
I heard an interview on the radio awhile back (before Ryan's diagnosis) with Julia Sweeney, a comedian who was once in the cast of SNL, among other things. She was raised Irish Catholic and grew up with what she described as a very personal relationship with God.
Julia's brother died of cancer in his early 30s, and while she was still caring for him she was also diagnosed with cancer. She wrote about it in her book, God Said 'Ha!':
"It is comforting to imagine there's a power that knows you, a consciousness cheering you on.
But if you pull the camera back it becomes horrifying. So was it God's lesson for my brother, to have him die of cancer at 32? If you look at that in a bigger way, it's really awful."
I thought of this interview when I thought about "running hurdles." And I agree. The way I see it, there is no plan where soem divine being strikes innocents down for some mysterious and seemingly arbitrary reasons (after all, Osama Bin Laden is not the one with cancer, is he?) For me, that is far more comforting. Bad things happen. Good people come through to support you. We live, we love, we die, and that's okay.
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edit: I just want to reiterate that I did not post this with the intention of insulting anyone's faith, and that I do not begrudge the faithful. I have no intention of starting an argument or theological debate. It's just something that has been on my mind a lot. There is an old cliche that "there are no atheists in foxholes," but like many cliches, it is just not true.
In the end, though, I know that Ryan and I both have love and respect for one another, including respect for each other's different understandings of the metaphysical. We've been able to discuss them openly, answering each other's questions in the best way that we know how. While we still come to different conculsions about the way the world ultimately works, I think we each at least understand how the other got there.
I know that Ryan's faith is giving him strength during this time, and for that I am thankful.
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In November of 2006, Ryan Marc Vander Wall was diagnosed with advanced cancer. This page will serve as a place for family and friends to connect with him during this difficult time.
17 comments:
Well I don't really see any divine plan either Kendra, but there is something intangible about the human condition that is definately not quantified by science. In other words, keep the faith.
I couldn't agree with you more K - with no intentions of starting a religious debate here, I think your head and your heart are in the right place. The most important things, the only important things right now, are the people who love and support you both and I hope it helps to know that you're both loved and in our thoughts a lot.
I have never found comfort in the idea that making life suck is part of some greater master plan that's somehow in our best interest. Some things just don't make sense and no matter how we try to explain it they never will. I hope somehow though, that you can take some comfort in all the people who care about both of you and keep you in their thoughts, prayers, dreams or whatever else they choose to do.
I don't pretend to know what God is or isn't - but I do believe that we are all connected somehow and all those good vibes do matter - and how many people are concerned about you and sending you their love really says something about Ryan and you both as people.
Lots and lots and lots of love to you!
Kendra, I can't agree with you more. This is a shitty situation, and I don't begrudge any person their beliefs or rationalizations that give them comfort in these horrible life scenarios. But, I cannot see how this is good for anyone. And, in times when things were hard for me (not gonna get into what those were)and those very words were said to me - it pissed me off. Plain and simple. I'm sorry. This is not fair and it sucks. It should not be happening to you guys.
Kendra, I hear your frustration, maybe "running hurdles" wasn't the best analogy, so maybe this will help. Cancer came from sin... when Adam and Eve sinned in the garden it caused sickness and death in this world. When horrible things happen to young and old it is NOT something God did to them but HE uses that bad situation to bring out good results. (His plan) Romans 8:28 says, "in all things God works for the good of those who love him." We don't know what good can possibly come from Ryan having cancer, but maybe 20 yrs from now we will look back and see some good (ex:people coming to Christ through Ryan's sickness)...or maybe not...maybe it will only be in Heaven when we finally understand what good came from this situation. Either way we just need to put our FAITH in Him that no matter how this turns out, God loves us, he comforts us and He gives us wonderful people to support us.
Hi Kendra,
I’m the father of Renee’s husband, Rick.
As I read your blog, I hear your pain and your love and concern for Ryan. It is a difficult time. I also hear the frustration in your search for answers that satisfy. Some of the people commenting on your blog share that they too are searching, but they don’t help you in your search for understanding. However, I think that Cousin Dawn’s comment is right on. While clearly written, I would add one point in an attempt to clarify what she said.
People who have committed their lives to God, frequently use the term, “FAITH,” but its meaning is unclear to others. Another word for faith is trust. It is a trust that is established from an intimate relationship with God and built based upon experience in that relationship. It is the same kind of trust that anyone establishes with another, but with God it is much, much deeper trust. It is much deeper because we learn that God never fails us, unlike people – even the best of them. So, over time, people who trust God learn they can trust him, even though they do not understand what is happening and where it leads, they still trust him.
They also learn that it is okay to be angry and to ask questions of God. He’s big enough. He can handle it. It’s through these experiences that we grow to trust him even more. In your case, why not tell him that you are angry and that you don’t understand; it’s okay.
What you are seeing in the Vander Wall family and the people supporting them are a visible demonstration of their trust. Like a good parent with his child, God has answered their questions in the past and they trust him with their future.
Even though you don’t have an intimate relationship with him as one of his children, he may still answer your questions. He may even reveal himself to you so that you know he is really real.
Praying for you and Ryan,
Dearest Kendra,
Religious faith is, for some, absolute, unwavering, manifest.
Faith is, for others, complex and arbitrary.
Faith, for some, provides explanations for the unexplainable:
“Young M. tied a tragic death because God had a higher purpose for her.”
Faith, for others, seems to be a tool of justification and intolerance.
“Young S. died a tragic death because God punishes sinners.”
Faith, for some, brings strength and serenity.
“This is God’s will, I can endure this suffering.”
For some, it brings guilt and shame and repression.
“I cannot - must not - feel afraid, angry, sad, if my faith is pure.”
Faith, for some, means absolute adherence to God’s will.
“This is God’s Plan, we must not question or interfere.”
For others...
“Of course we’ll look to every possible measure, we’ll pray for recovery, and we’ll sandbag the dike.”
Faith, for some, means God works in mysterious ways. And the faithful find peace.
For some of us, Kendra, it is random and inexplicable.
And we who see ourselves as unshackled by what we see as religion’s intolerance, justification, and constraints...
those of us who see goodness and right as a human condition, not as a mandate from on high…
We have no divine prohibition...and so we weep and we rage. And we suffer.
Ryan, You are in my thoughts always, and in the thoughts of those who are close to me.
Baby girl, Question, learn, feel, think and love. Love in that boundless, powerful, unerring way that you love. Take care of Ryan and take care of yourself.
With love,
Your mother
Dear Kendra (and Ryan),
You are clearly wrestling with the hardest questions in the hardest circumstances in life to which just about any answers can seem trite, sadistic or any number of troubling things.
Allow me, however, to give you the simplest version that I have come to accept and that the Chruch, at its best, has always given: suffering and death are meaningless and a cruel, black hole unless God responds by taking suffering and death *into* himself.
I believe he did (and does) take it all into himself in the person of Jesus. He did it at the cross. He does it through his disciples who suffer with him in this world. He does it through his presence in the Spirit.
In Jesus, suffering and death are not and cannot be the final answer. In Jesus, "Death," in the words of John Donne, "thou shalt die." This is what Christian faith is: trusting that this story is in fact true. And that it is confirmed as true because the tomb is empty. Jesus is alive.
Maybe simplistic. Maybe crazy. But is it all Christians have and all they have ever had. My two cents.
The Rev. Brian Vander Wel, a cousin of Ryan.
I need to amend what I wrote earlier…
I carelessly referred to “religion’s intolerance, justification, and constraints…”
I did not mean to paint with such a broad brush. That extreme does exist, but, of course, does not describe all people of faith.
Each of us has the right to say “This is what I believe …” and each of us has an obligation to accept and respect one another’s beliefs without asserting that our truth must be someone else’s truth. We can listen to each other and learn from each other as we share a common purpose – to care for, comfort and support Ryan.
I know that Ryan could not have more caring, loving supporters than his family and Kendra. And each brings to Ryan their own unique gifts and strengths.
All my love, Kendra and Ryan.
Kendra’s mom
I too have been told that God at times tries people. However, I take comfort in the passages below.
Ecclesiastes 9:11 I returned to see under the sun that the swift do not have the race, nor the mighty ones the battle, nor do the wise also have the food, nor do the understanding ones also have the riches, nor do even those having knowledge have the favor; because time and unforeseen occurrence befall them all.
James 1:13 13 When under trial, let no one say: “I am being tried by God.” For with evil things God cannot be tried nor does he himself try anyone.
Remember, in the bible it was not God that tried Job, but the devil who was trying to prove his point about man's motives for serving God. Anyhow, enough talk about God. Apologies for the tangent. Best wishes and comfort to all regardless of their faith or belief system.
Divine plan? Maybe. If it is divine, it's not for us to know.
No doubt, this is a tough situation. I'm sure everyone wishes there was something they could do.
Keep your chins up.
Best,
--Eddie
Dear Kendra (and friends),
I am the pastor who prayed the prayer that troubled you. My name is Pastor Ken Koeman (pronounced "Coo-man"), and currently I'm serving as the interim pastor of the Bellevue Christian Reformed Church. Ryan's parents, as Kendra mentioned, are currently staying at our home. We were welcomed into these circumstances when Ryan's mom called our church asking for a place for her and Ryan's dad to stay. It ended up being our place, which is a big parsonage (a church provided minister's home), with plenty of room for two families.
We did not record the prayer which I offered during that particular visit last week, so it's difficult for any of us to accurately recall exactly how it went. We may have heard it differently, or we may be even remembering it differently.
As I recall, it contained two elements. First, an image of the daunting circumstances that Ryan and Kendra now find themselves in as "hurdles." That image came to my mind because, in my experience with many people in hospitals over the years, this is the picture which they have often used to describe what their daily life in the hospital fighting a disease is like: it's like running hurdles, because it just one challenge after another, sometimes with no let up. Some days contain several hurdles, and certainly Ryan and Kendra have had their share of them since all of this began in September. Perhaps the patients I have met have used this image because of two characteristics hurdles have. If you've been to a track meet, you've noticed this: they're (1) high, and (2), they're close. You no more than barely get over one than you have to face another. And they just keep on coming, which is why hurdles are such a test of stamina, and one of the toughest events in track and field. So I was praying for spiritual stamina for Ryan and Kendra, as they encounter, and will continue to encounter, one obstacle, one hurdle, after another.
The second element the prayer contained was a reference to "God's plan." Kendra recalls this correctly too. Indeed, there was, as she rightly remembers, a link in the prayer between the "hurdles" and "God's plan."
Before I go any further with this, would it be alright with all of you reading this if I bring in something Jesus said? I know people have different views of Jesus, and I want to respect that. But all of you might be interested to know that he said two things about the hair on our head. One was that God knows the exact number of hairs we have (so that we can be assured that God cares about stuff in our lives we barely notice--like a hair dropping out--so intimately is He involved with us), and the second one, which is far more astounding, is that not one hair can fall from our head without the will of God. In other words, nothing happens outside of God's will. There are no accidents. We don't live in a random universe. Jesus was not saying that God caused each hair to fall from our heads--that's quite a different matter. But what he was saying was this: God controls life so minutely that even one, single hair, dropping out of our scalp, cannot happen without God's both knowing all about it and permitting it. In other words, we don't live in a crazy, mixed up, random universe where life is a gamble, and it's all a matter of luck, chance, or good karma, but rather, we live in a universe under the wise and loving management of a Sovereign. And everything that happens, though not all caused by him, is under his perfect control. It's all, indeed, part of his plan. It all has a purpose in the heart of God.
The plan is often maddeningly mysterious. And when Kendra wanted to just scream "Why???" she speaks for me. There have been times I have felt the same way about God's plan: it baffles me, and, more to the point, shakes me. It troubles me. It confuses me. It has even angered me. And I am not alone. Even Jesus felt the pain of facing something totally unbearable and he cried out for all of us when, on the cross, he shouted with a loud voice, "My God, My God, Why have You forsaken me?"
There are just so many, many times we cannot make any sense out of the curveballs that come our way.
And so my prayer that day, however it may have been expressed, arose out of those two realities: Ryan and Kendra are in a circumstance, like hurdles, that is endlessly daunting, and will test their stamina severely. And yet all of this is happening in a world that is not random, but, as Jesus taught, is all part of a divine plan, often an inscrutable plan.
That was the prayer, and the Christian context, the spiritual metaphysics, out of which it came.
And that view of the universe is what is arousing this animated discussion, which, actually, I welcome.
I think I've written enough for today, but each day I'd like to add a little more. So look for another piece from me tomorrow.
In the meantime, our far deeper concern is to continue to love and support Ryan and Kendra, and their families, in every practical way in which we can.
Thank you, one and all, for bearing with me, and taking the time to read and reflect on this comment here on the blog. And thank you, Kendra, for opening up your heart, and allowing us to see a glimpse of what you are feeling these days.
Pastor Ken
Ryan, Kendra and also Pastor Ken:
Ryan, I have tried to keep my condition a secret. While what I am experiencing is not your grade, it has been chronic. And I didn't want to burden people with it. The bravery that you and Kendra have demonstated as you go though this is so incredibly inspiring to me; I have not been able to even place my well wishes here.
I can only say this, from my observing all of you:
If God envisioned, he envisioned
you all, in intent...
If God spoke through his Son and Spirit, then He most assuredly spoke through you all
And if God indeed did move on the face of the waters, then so have you all moved the hearts and souls of others. Thank you.
You all have spoken through the love I can see and feel. Perhaps that's what God, who and however we find him/her, perhaps that is what we are supposed to know.
Ryan, I am so glad you are back at home!
God and Goddess blessings...Stay shiny!
I'm so glad to see this conversation happening. Seems like so often we wait until the hardest, toughest part of life before talking or even thinking about these things.
I believe that God will truly be refining both of you to become more like Christ through this situation. I'll be praying for you both.
-Brian, fellow Googler
I really encourage both of you to read "When Bad Things Happen to Good People".
Anonymous said...
Hi Ryan, Kendra, family and friends,
Yesterday, our computers here at the church were down (we blew a circuit because an electric heater, a copy machine, a microwave, a coffee maker, and a printer were all on the same circuit! I only mention it because it's a picture of life, maybe even your lives right now: when too many difficulties are drawing down upon our spiritual reserves, we can buckle inside for awhile. One of my favorite quotes from Jesus Christ was the time he simply said to his disciples, "Come apart, and rest awhile."
On to the serious stuff. Like Kendra said right at the beginning of her comment about God's plan last Sunday, "Times like this bring our spiritual questions in even the least spiritual of us."
And the biggest question, perhaps, is "Why???"
I have two very dear friends who've been diagnosed with cancer right now. I played racquetball with one for 20 years. Rick's just 55. The other is a wife and a mother of three (one of whom is just a freshman in highschool). Her cancer is so advanced, there is nothing to be done medically. I talked with her this noon, and she's not sure she'll make it to Christmas. She's only 50.
Tough. Really tough.
But neither of them would so much as blink an eye at the claim that their personal story is all part of God's divine plan, mysterious as it might be to them. And, as a result, both exhibit an irenic spirit that awes me.
The reason for that is something most people, I imagine, might never guess: they actually see their own personal story as part of a bigger story.
Kinda like those suicide bombers in Iraq. They gladly give up their lives for "the cause" because they see their own lives as part of an immense enterprise worth laying them down for.
Christians see all their suffering as part of another, and so much grander story, and that is what gives our suffering meaning.
That's the staggering story of a man who was widely admired for his wisdom and compassion, his power and his goodness. He even challenged his critics to name one sin he had ever committed, and they had nothing to say. He was that good. Yet he was subject to the most cruel of deaths, at the young age of 33. He was mercilessly slaughtered by religious people, using Roman soldiers to do their dirty work. It was one of history's greatest atrocities.
What is so significant is that he claimed to be God, so that, if his claim is true, then God himself experienced what Ryan and Kendra are experiencing: something really bad happening to good people.
All of which is to simply say, "If there is a God, and if Jesus was God, then God knows from personal experience what it's like to be die "unfairly."
And, it was all part of God's plan, even though the experience of being abandoned by his Father was so unbearable for Jesus he did cry out too: "Why?"
But he believed it was purposeful, and so he accepted it. It gave his death meaning.
(The meaning, and this is not incidental, is that he believed that his death was for us--more on that another day.)
If there is no plan, then everything, including our undeserved suffering, is pointless.
The thing is, most people will say that if they can only see the plan in it, they might accept their suffering more readily.
But that is a luxury not often given us. My friends, Rick and Sandra, haven't been given a single clue, though they have seen their final battle used for no small amount of good. People have shown such love, such compassion. It's softened many hearts, and revealed just how deep the love of friends really runs. Some beautiful things have surfaced. But, still, it's mostly wrapped in mystery.
For them, it comes down to faith: to a belief that the God "up there" is actually a Father, with a Father's heart, who knows precisely what they are going through. He was here. He tasted it first hand, in his Son, with whom he is One.
And this is what simply carries them.
Thanks again, friends, for taking the time to read this.
Warmly,
Pastor Ken Koeman
December 1, 2006 3:25:00 PM PST
Kendra,
These are really thoughtful comments. I too cringe when people say that God's plan has anything to do with sickness or violence (wars et al). I think there are 2 theologies or rather Images of GOD at play here. One that thinks God has to control everything to be God. And another (more what I believe) that God is not a god of control, but of compassion. When people ask WHERE IS GOD IN SUFFERING? the first types think god is in charge of it.... However, I think God is right next to us, suffering with us...I think that's where God's all powerful ness is... in compassion. I've heard Julia Sweany a couple of times on This American Life. I thought she was fantastic, and asked the right questions... I too wonder how people think Cancer could be in God's plan. Somehow, it seems 1/2 the religious people on this earth find that comforting...However, the other 1/2 and myriads of nonreligious people really don't imagine this as a characteristic of GOd. I hope this helps sort some of that crazy religion stuff out. I admire your honesty and earnestness, your respect of other people's faith and your continued love and care for Ryan. Peace to you.
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